The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
