mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
