I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
