I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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