are you so shy because you have an std?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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