Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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