I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I need to stop coming to work sober
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
