Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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