Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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