you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
