Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
