why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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