Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
