I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
