god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
