pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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