Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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