wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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