Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
