I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
