Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Of course I have a pirate flag
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
