apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
