3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
