I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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