did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
