you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need to stop coming to work sober
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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