I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
