Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
