if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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