dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
