everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
