gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
