Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
