I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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