Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
