no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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