Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
