I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
