I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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