Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
