WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
