I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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