Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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