I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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