I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
