woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
