Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
