I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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