I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
