Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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